How To Set Boundaries
Learning how to set boundaries can make your life much better.
When you are talking to someone, maybe at work or among friends, there is often someone who believes they canspeak to and treat you however they please. This should not be happening.
People often see how people are treating them, but not how they are treating people. This can also be applied to you in certain scenarios. It happens to all of us, maybe without realizing it, but our actions, even if by mistake, can still make someone feel sad, angry, and devastated.
As a child, I went to the forest with my cousins, and two of us brought flashlights just in case it got dark. As time passed, the sky became darker and darker. Whenever the wind made a noise behind us, one of my cousins who had one of the two flashlights and was leading the way kept turning around to look back. As a result, the path ahead remained in complete darkness.
Relationships and friendships can be similar.
Sometimes someone is so focused on avoiding their own fear that they neglect to think about how their actions affect others. We didn’t have more light because of him. By asking him to keep the light forward and assuring him that he had his back, we would have been safer.
I know he was just scared, a couple of kids running in the forest, it’s normal to feel like that, he didn’t do that on purpose, it wasn’t malicious.
This introduction is meant to help you try noticing if someone is doing something evil, or if they feel like they don’t have another option. Sometimes we just don’t say anything, and people think it’s okay to treat us like that, just because we may think it’s only a joke.
“If you want to get free, you have to first get honest.”
Imagine a scenario in your workplace where a colleague is always asking you for favors, and then proceeds to ask for something additional? What would you normally do? Perhaps you would accept, even with resentment.
But if you finally decided to reject their wish? Not because you are unwilling, but because you have a lot on your plate at the moment.
There are a couple of scenarios that could happen. Maybe they get upset, which means they just don’t care about you, and they are maliciously doing that. But maybe they’ll understand you and even proceed to help you.
But you will never know if you don’t act transparently about these things. Even if they got angry or upset, that’s a good sign; they will never ask for your help again, and if they decide to help you, it’s also a good sign, because they care about your well-being, and that’s why they were willing to help you do your thing.
Defining Your Boundaries
- What Is Your Weak Spot?
Ask yourself, how do I feel if someone talks about these subjects? Maybe your personal life, salary, friends, car, or even house. If you feel anxious or disrespected, that’s a sign of trespassing. Boundaries usually show up as feelings.
When you realize what triggers you, it’s a lot easier to go through things. If someone is always interrupting you during a conversation, and you cannot talk because they don’t let you.
Simply say “Please let me finish before answering.”. If they decide to stop the behavior, your boundary is respected, but if it continues, you must take action.
You can either leave theconversation or just avoid talking to that person, because when they keep disrespecting you, that’s what disrespect is: you talk to them, and they don’t care, it’s not by mistake anymore.
When I started doing things like this for the first time, I remember I was feeling guilty, but don’t make that mistake. Feeling guilty doesn’t always mean you did something wrong. It means you did something new.
Start naming what situations make you feel bad and work on them. You should always detect your weak spot, speak to other people, and stand by it. If someone crosses that limit, it’s not someone you should be giving attention to.
- What Are You Responsible For?
You can control numerous aspects of a conversation. You can control the way you talk to other people, the way you show up at some place, and even what you agree to do. But you cannot control how people will or won’t feel within your boundaries.
Realizing what you can or cannot control is also another big step to take if you want to start setting your limits. As I was saying earlier, if someone keeps interrupting you and doesn’t appreciate your boundaries, then that’s their problem, you can still be kind while being firm.
As feeling guilty doesn’t mean you are wrong, someone being upset doesn’t also mean you did something wrong.
- State them Early
Every time you ignore small discomforts, they won’t just disappear, they will pile up until you can’t take it anymore. No matter how quiet you stay, because in the end, that quietness will lead to feeling angry, and after you get angry, you will explode.
On my turn, I felt super nervous and anxious telling someone that you don’t tolerate something, in my case, it was not telling me that they are cancelling our plans, one hour before it was set to.
It’s okay for you to cancel, I can go on my own, but make sure to tell me in time, that’s simply respect. I just don’t like how people can cancel something one hour before it happens, and that’s what I started saying, even to my family, because in the end, it’s better to say it before than regretting it after.
If your case is like mine, keep in mind that emergencies also occur, they may have something to deal with that they are not comfortable saying to you, and that’s alright, but if that same thing is happening over and over again, that’s strange.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes people are used to having access without confrontations, and after you decide to set some boundaries, there will be people who will accuse you of being too sensitive, start joking about your boundaries, and even start mocking you and how you feel.
That will keep happening because people just can’t understand that you also have limits, and they serve as defense mechanisms from their discomfort.
There’s no need to argue or justify your actions. If that’s how you feel, then the person you are talking to must accept it, they can’t be worthy of your time.
At the same time, don’t forget to check yourself too. It’s always nice to see that people respect your boundaries, but are you respecting theirs?
If you want people to respect you and your “no”, then start or keep respecting theirs.
Respect their honesty as you want them to respect yours.
If you can find people who can be open to talking to you about these things, your relationships with them will be much better, because you know what you can cross, or can’t, even when joking, without the person getting sad or angry.
