How to Stop Being a One-Upper and Start Actually Listening
We all know someone who tends to one-up everyone in conversations at every opportunity they get. It may be some family member, a close friend, or even a co-worker, but what they all have in common is that anything that’s done, they, at least once, did better.
No matter how good you or someone else did, they did better. If you were accepted into your dream university, they also were, but they didn’t even attend, but the feeling of someone being able to perform better than them drives them crazy.
That time when you went outside your country, and you showed your friends pictures of the hotel you were sleeping in, and most of your friends kept saying, ” That’s beautiful and kept asking more things about your trip.
But somehow, that one person also went to another country with a better hotel that they didn’t even mention once.
I’m sure we all know someone like this, but my real question is, can you confidently say that you are not one yourself?
Because sometimes we may do it by accident, just out of pure curiosity. On the other hand, when you keep accumulating things like this, it’s not by accident anymore, you’re just trying to outperform your friend.
And as the word friend means, you should be there to support him, not to let him down all the time.
How To Identify If You’re a One-Upper
- You instinctively reply with your own story before hearing theirs:
As I mentioned in the introduction, when someone shares something about themselves, you jump in with a similar experience of your own instead of reacting to what they said.
Even if you’re just trying to relate, the focus of the conversation shifts away from them and makes the conversation about you. That’s really not a good thing to do, especially with friends.
Maybe what they were trying to get from you was not comparison, but presence, they need to feel like you are there to support them. Don’t you hate it when someone is constantly talking about what they did in the middle of what you’re saying?
Would you like it if they did that to you?
- You leave conversations realizing you talked more than you heard:
To be honest with all of you, I am more of a talker than a listener. I always loved to talk, and that’s one of the main reasons I started this blog, and also this post.
Most of the time, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I always loved to talk, not just about myself, but about everything. My life, the weather, shows, movies, or documentaries.
But as I was growing, I realized that people don’t like those who are constantly talking. I’m not saying that for you to shut up, but sometimes you must embrace the silence.
It’s ok to be silent. I also know that if you don’t know the person you’re next to very well, it feels kinda awkward not to talk.
But most of the time, it’s more awkward to talk about foolish things just to make a basic conversation. After a couple of moments, you’ve realized that you would rather have been quiet.
Not every pause moment is filled with your opinion, it doesn’t mean disengagement. It gives the other person space to finish their thought. In some moments during my life, I decided to answer so fast that I forgot about what they were talking about in the first place.
And that’s when I decided to change.
- You Often Say, “That happened to me too, but…”:
When a friend shares a win or a struggle, you immediately say the words “that happened to me but…”, you are just taking away their spotlight. Even if your intention is just to share your experience, it seems like their experience is a backdrop for your own.
When you keep saying those words, it invalidates their moment, they feel like you are not actually listening to their feelings, just waiting for something to remind you that something similar happened to you, too.
Once again, it feels like you are comparing yourself with them, that moment was meant to be a connection, not a comparison.
Remember that if someone decides to let you know about their struggle or their achievement, that’s because you mean something to them and they feel open to communicate with you.
Don’t be surprised if they decide not to talk to you anymore about important things they feel, and that’s probably on you. I don’t like people trying to be the focus of the conversation all the time, and neither do you.
Why would you think they do?
- You Immediately Say, “At least…”:
In my opinion, what triggers me more than “that happened to me” is the word “at least”.
When those words are said, the intention is probably to show them that it could be worse, so they don’t feel so bad.
But in reality, the person just feels like they shouldn’t feel like they are feeling just because something worse didn’t happen.
You don’t know how they felt at that particular moment. Your goal as a friend is to comfort them, and doing that, they might feel the opposite.
I remember when I was in high school, and I got a desktop from my parents. I was so happy to tell everyone, and we even decided to play at my house. But a couple of months later, it started giving me problems.
One of my friends decided to say, “At least you have a computer.” The environment became so tense because it made him feel like the victim, when in the end, I was just trying to say that I was feeling sad because I had the computer, but it didn’t work as well as it was supposed to.
If This Resonates:
How to Stop Being a One-Upper
If you saw yourself in any of those examples, I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself. I want you to improve so that in your future conversations, you can really improve.
Most of the time, people have an ego so big that they don’t understand or just don’t care if they are being a One-Upper, but you do care. If you didn’t, why would you be here reading this blog post?
The hard part is already done. Your self-awareness made you decide to research this topic and how to improve it.
If you’re trying to build deeper and more authentic conversations or friendships, you have to learn to put your stories on pause at a certain time. You can talk about them, but not when someone is already taking control of the conversation.
I decided to do that, but not for someone in particular, but for me. I wanted to stop this habit of interrupting and keep talking about myself, because in the end, some things are meant to be said from you to you only.
- Think Before You Speak:
This is my main problem. I was always the type of person who couldn’t wait to talk. I just couldn’t. Before I could even finish hearing what the other person was saying, I was already preparing to answer.
Maybe because of enthusiasm and rage. When we are in situations that require too much emotion from us, we tend to forget what to say. In my case, I always forgot to pause.
Over time, I did quit doing these things, mainly because I knew it was bad for me. That’s what you should do. For you.
When you think before you speak, you can actually say what you want to say, and not what’s in your mind. Because what’s in your mind may not be appropriate for the moment.
When someone asks you a question, wait 3 seconds before you speak.
I was going through my social media after I posted a pin on Pinterest, and some videos for Elon Musk caught my attention.
In most of the interviews he does, he pauses for too much time to actually say what he wants to say. Of course, you don’t need to pause for that amount of time. But that’s the philosophy.
Start by doing it daily. When I was buying groceries, the cashier asked me a simple question: “Do you need a bag?” I paused to see if I actually needed a bag.
Most of the time, I always answered by impulse because I didn’t want to interfere with the long line behind me.
- Embrace The Silence:
I remember when I used to hang out with some friends, and when they were doing something else, and I was alone with some unknown people, I always tried to force a conversation.
You shouldn’t do that. If you’re not interested in getting to know someone, there is no need to force conversations about topics like the weather.
Learn how to be quiet in moments when you don’t know, and you don’t want to know someone.
On the other hand, if you want to talk and avoid silence, learn how to start a conversation.
A simple question like “So, how long have you been friends?” can be effective because normally it can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no,” and it actually motivates the person talk to you.
Keep in mind that depending on their answer, they may not be interested in talking to you. In those cases, don’t engage agai
- Resist the Urge to Compete
In my opinion, the core of one-upping is competition. If someone shares some experience, and instead of acknowledging it and saying congratulations, you normally think for yourself if yours was bigger or even harder.
When you actually think about it, you need to change that aspect.
If your friend is taking the time to talk to you about their achievements, you should be the one to make them proud, not take them down.
What others experience or achieve doesn’t diminish yours, and you shouldn’t be proving anything to be in the same value.
This is also for pain and struggle. The conversation isn’t about your struggle, but theirs. When you decide to talk about that, then you should also be mad if someone keeps one-upping you.
When you often try to compete in everything, it usually means you have insecurities in disguise.
Understand what that person is going through and actually be his friend. Because a friend isn’t someone who keeps competing with you, but someone who is constantly making you feel like you’re the best.
Instead of trying to compare anything to you, start thinking about what the meaning of that moment is to them.
Your story can also be told, but later. It should also come from a moment of sharing and not competing.
Your Next Step
Being a one-upper doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Most of the time, it’s what makes us humans. We all want to feel seen and heard, and that’s what leads us to chase this feeling of competing without realizing it.
While writing this post, you may have noticed that I talked about myself and many cases, and because in my past, as I said, I used to do one-upping many times.
I’m not proud of it, but as time went by and I was getting older, I noticed it a lot and decided to change.
This post was mainly for people who don’t know if they do certain things without realizing it, and that is completely normal, not to know.
Most of the time, our biggest issue is not knowing how to admit it, but once we do, we can improve and get better.
I hope it inspired you in any way possible, and I desire that you keep improving your life. The earlier you improve, the earlier you’ll see results.
